my nigga..that trust shit? for the birds. real talk, there’s some dirty people out there. double agents and shit. if you not really on my side, you can just take your shit and proceed to the left. it’s my last year with most of y’all too? to the left please. the thing is though..i’m not even mad. no reason to be. just disgusted. i stuck up for your ass too? lol fuck daaaat. it’s whatever tho. just proved a lot of shit i’ve been thinking about lately. glad that’s out the way now.

visited MSU (Michigan State University) and spent a little time in Chicago this week. nothing special. the more colleges i visit, the more i realize that visiting isn’t going to do shit for me. every single campus just says “hi, i’m college”. i guess my decision will come down to scholarships. cause momma ain’t payin for two kids to go to college..

well she will. but she doesn’t want to.

okay he’s not my boyfriend. i’m single. that’s beside the point. i got him in trouble and now he’s not texting me because he doesn’t have his phone and i just want a taco.

in other news, the guy i thought i kicked to the curb just texted me. now i’m confused and still taco-less. isn’t it funny how one door opens when the other one’s cracked. except that’s not how it goes.

tmi, i know. i don’t even like that kinda stuff. i’m squeemish. but it’s more than half past 5am and despite the fact that i have nothing to say i feel the need to say something. and in the midst of finding something to say i’ve realized that i don’t know how i feel about anything anymore. so indecisive and open. thought i approached with the dgaf mentality. turns out i care more than ever. about everything. i want everything. i ask all the wrong questions. curiosity overwhelms me. if i could just forget about love and boys, newly found and old. if i could just forget about mistakes and memories. but only the ones that haunt me. i wouldn’t even need someone else had you not left a hole when you..left. i hate you. not you. what you did.

goodnight.

and every time i learn more about what i wasn’t to him. stuff he’d probably never tell me if i asked. because “i wouldn’t understand him”. doesn’t hurt. it helps. helps me realize why things happened the way they did.

the guy you weren’t suppose to get. the one who you’ve liked for quite some time and finally feelings are reciprocated. the sexy one. incredibly sexy. who has the same sense of humor and weirdness so he understands you. makes you smile effortlessly. did i say he was sexy. the guy who has fucked up plenty of times but you can tell he’s..different this time. he cares. he let’s you know that he’s serious now. and i know i shouldn’t be so superficial but let’s not forget that this man is pretty sexy.

or the guy you weren’t suppose to like. because you were in no position to like anyone at the time you met him. but now is later. and he has always been there. even when he wasn’t suppose to be. he has yet to fuck up. tries his hardest to make you happy. finds everything good about you. listens when you need him to. gives hugs that make you tingle inside. connection gets a little lost some times but he’s foreign so he gets a pass. adores you.

cdasdfnmjuytrsdadfghjxz. i know i have to choose someday but can i just not.

believe it or not, it’s a rare occurrence. and i guess i was past due because you’ve popped up in my head. now i can’t get rid of you. i feel numb towards you. no feelings. i just want to talk.

i swear every other day when i run out of things to do and no one’s around, i get depressed for like 2 hours straight. i think nonstop about him and how much my life sucks now, when in reality it doesn’t. i try to refrain from tweeting, getting on tumblr, or texting him but i always do one of the three (mostly the last one so i know i’ve completely messed us up now because my “depressed texts” are not easy to deal with). the craziest part is that immediately after “the depression” i feel fine. happy as ever. O_O I’m weird as fuck bro.

i think i’m depressed.

cause once it’s over, it’s over.

so i took my vent to tumblr. which is better than twitter, i guess, cause i don’t think a certain person looks at my tumblr anymore..

i just want my boyfriend back. the one that told me he didn’t wanna go to college because he didn’t wanna have to say goodbye to me. now he has no problem with saying goodbye. or at least it seems like it. i just don’t see how his feelings have changed when mine haven’t. i guess i’m used to boring while he’s always been able to do whatever he wants. now whenever i think about him, i think about him leaving. no matter how hard i try to remember the good times. he’s not the most sympathetic person. i can’t turn to him to make me feel better. and i can’t turn to him to take my mind off of him. cause that doesn’t even make sense. it just sucks having a problem that i can’t fix, it’s messing with me mentally. i’ve never been more insecure. i need counseling lol. not really tho, i would suck at therapy. because i suck at expressing myself in an efficient manner. wait..i’m not making sense lol. i’m trying to make this post extra long to discourage everyone from reading it. but i know there’s going to be that one no-life that reads this entire thing..i think i’m going to go do some homework. or something productive. since it’s obvious i’m not going to sleep anytime soon. i hope this venting shit helps. cause if not, i just like..publicly posted my problems for no reason.shrugs i’ll get over it. (haha, i just tried to type ‘over’ and autocorrect changed it to ‘ubersexual’). i think this post is long enough to discourage the no-lifes. so..yeah.

i wonder if he even thought about me today..

i got asked to prom and i’m soooooooo excited (<- understatement). but..i don’t know if i should go. i know it’ll be fun, memorable, blah blah blah. but maybe i should just wait. i would be fine just sitting at home, on my couch, with my boyfriend, watching tv all day. saves money and stress. i don’t know what to do.

that’s not okay.

that shit is more important to my boyfriend than i am. i don’t expect to be at the very top of his priority list. but i don’t expect weed to be above me either.

i ask if he’s ok, right? he says he’s good (cause he’s a thug who doesn’t express emotions). but i know he’s lying. i get on twitter. EVERY OTHER FUCKING TWEET IS ABOUT WEED. how bad he wants it. how bad he needs it. and if it’s not, it’s about how bad his day was. am i that bad of a girlfriend? apparently. fuck a girlfriend then, weed appears to be all the comfort that you need.

i like him. a lot. but he likes weed more and that hurts. a lot.